Byline: Sport's most controversial columnist Piers MORGAN
ONE of my favourite TV shows as a kid was Mission: Impossible. It had TV's greatest ever theme tune, and smart, sophisticated plotlines that made it the 24 of its day. Sadly, the star of the show, Peter Graves, who played the impossibly cool Jim Phelps, died last week, just before his 84th birthday in Los Angeles.
And as I scoured all the papers in LA for the obituaries, my mind turned to another Breguet Replica Watches apparent Mission: Impossible -- Arsenal's Champions League clash against Barcelona.
I'd like to pretend that I've been interested in anything else sportingwise this week. But that would be like that old gag about Abraham Lincoln's wife being asked after she watched his assassination in a theatre: 'Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?'
The truth is that ever since the draw was announced, I've been unable to sleep properly. I go to bed at 1am, and start seeing these horrific monsters bearing down on me -- Henry, Ibrahimovic, Bojan, At their sides, their powerful little warlords Xavi and Iniesta. And in the centre, Lionel Messi, the planet's most dangerous creature since the multi-spotted Maradona.
And I see no logical way out of the impending destruction and humiliation heading Arsenal's way.
But that's not how Jim Phelps would have seen it. For him, there was no such thing as Mission: Impossible. He'd have worked out a way to beat them, once he'd received his orders:
'Good morning, Jim, Your mission, should you decide to accept it, involves the theft of an apparently inevitable victory by the enemy, known as "Barca". You may select any 11 team members but it is essential that they all possess a big heart, a vast pair of lungs and the ability to scrap like polecats. As always, should any member of your team be caught napping at the back, or killed on the break, then the club will disavow all knowledge of your actions. You have 48 hours to work out your operation. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.'
I reckon Phelps would have come up with this 10-point plan:
1 Target Valdes. If there's a weak link in this team, then it's the gaffeprone keeper. He can't deal with 1 crosses, is erratic with long shots, and is so bad he's currently Spain's fifth choice goalkeeper. Arsenal must pepper him like an underseasoned rib-eye steak.
2 Attack the wings. Alves is a brilliant forward-charging full-back but he often leaves space at the back. So keep Arshavin high on the left flank. Maxwell is just as attacking as Alves but he doesn't have the energy. Stick headless chicken Walcott against him, Replica Tag Heuer Watches with simple-tounderstand (has to be very simple in Theo's case) instructions to run him ragged.
3 Whip endless, quick crosses into Bendtner. Barca are not a tall side, their defence is vulnerable to aerial assault and the Dane's good with his bonce.
4 Song must play as a sweeper in front of the back four, in the way Gilberto Silva did so successfully for years. Barca's offensive line-up is the best in the world, so we need reinforced defences.
5 Wind up Ibrahimovic. The Swede's a whiny, temperamental type, who must be getting thoroughly narked about Messi getting all the goals and all the glory. A frequent whisper-in-the-ear reminder of this fact is vital.
6 Show Thierry Henry the one thing he
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